Mid life crisis. Has anybody had one?
Discussion
OMITN said:
Counselling is not to be sniffed at. But it’s not easy, and it can take time to find the right person. And the process itself takes time - you won’t sort this s
t out in one session..!
I’ve used a leadership coach (different context, I admit) and found things very uncomfortable at times. But ultimately it has proven useful.
I’m with many of you - and the article linked above very nearly described me: mid 40s, solid family life, excellent career. And, in spite of my outward demeanour, inside I’m wondering where it’s all gone wrong. Objectively life is great, and yet there’s a gaping hole….
Same. It truly is a first world problem. Objectively I have absolutely nothing to complain about. But somehow…t out in one session..! I’ve used a leadership coach (different context, I admit) and found things very uncomfortable at times. But ultimately it has proven useful.
I’m with many of you - and the article linked above very nearly described me: mid 40s, solid family life, excellent career. And, in spite of my outward demeanour, inside I’m wondering where it’s all gone wrong. Objectively life is great, and yet there’s a gaping hole….
Edited by Megaflow on Monday 28th November 11:41
gangzoom said:
As part of some personal development work (SLA level 7) I've just been introduced to the theory of career planning/personal goal mapping. I've not done any in depth look into Supers theory yet (dissertation deadline is ages away 
), but on the face of it seem to make sense.....I wonder if many of us get 'stuck' at the 'maintenance' phase after spending the previous 20 years working to a specific goal?
Like a kid dreaming about Xmas, but actually once the present is unwrapped, the excitement is gone and its a case of, nann, not bothered what's next??
Am actually in the process of applying for a more senior role at work. To me the role is quite a step up in responsibility so I wanted to seek some counsel from those whom have done it and progressed to understand the detail etc. But to my surprise the first question all my mentors whom I look up to ( all have very senior national level responsibilities) have asked me is 'what's your plan in 5-10 years'. Their outlook on life clearly isn't just how do your current job well (that's an assumption), but more what/where is next challenge.....
Those who I look up to at work aren't in any form ot 'decline' regardless of their age - quite the opposite. It'll be interesting to see how much critic there is on Supers theory of development. I don't see my self just been in a 'maintaining' phase for the next 20 years just because am in a certain age bracket. I also have zero thoughts on wishing to be 20/30 again, quite the opposite, the next 5-10 years certainly career wise has the potential to be far more exciting/testing than the journey/work needed to get to the position am in now.
[Img]http://career.iresearchnet.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/Supers-Career-Development-Theory.jpg[/thumb]
That is a very interesting l chart. I am 47, I have zero intention of maintaining for 20 years!), but on the face of it seem to make sense.....I wonder if many of us get 'stuck' at the 'maintenance' phase after spending the previous 20 years working to a specific goal?Like a kid dreaming about Xmas, but actually once the present is unwrapped, the excitement is gone and its a case of, nann, not bothered what's next??
Am actually in the process of applying for a more senior role at work. To me the role is quite a step up in responsibility so I wanted to seek some counsel from those whom have done it and progressed to understand the detail etc. But to my surprise the first question all my mentors whom I look up to ( all have very senior national level responsibilities) have asked me is 'what's your plan in 5-10 years'. Their outlook on life clearly isn't just how do your current job well (that's an assumption), but more what/where is next challenge.....
Those who I look up to at work aren't in any form ot 'decline' regardless of their age - quite the opposite. It'll be interesting to see how much critic there is on Supers theory of development. I don't see my self just been in a 'maintaining' phase for the next 20 years just because am in a certain age bracket. I also have zero thoughts on wishing to be 20/30 again, quite the opposite, the next 5-10 years certainly career wise has the potential to be far more exciting/testing than the journey/work needed to get to the position am in now.
[Img]http://career.iresearchnet.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/Supers-Career-Development-Theory.jpg[/thumb]
Edited by gangzoom on Sunday 27th November 08:24
gangzoom said:
Woodrow Wilson said:
lMy wife has looked after herself and we are both quite enthsiasiatic about things and we talk to each other a lot -a seemingly fairly rare phenomenon from what I observe!
Neither of us like been seen as the 'lower' ranked one in the household. If one of us goes one step up the ladder, the other will want to go 2 steps up! If I get the role am aiming for this year I'm almost certain it'll be the motivation she needs to ask/demand a chair as recognition for her work. We are abit 'sad' at home, after the usual school/kid chat, it's mainly conversations about work, and than more work. For us our careers define us, which I'm increasingly aware is not the norm or the aspiration for most of our friends/family.
With respect, I think I prefer our situation.
Megaflow said:
OMITN said:
Counselling is not to be sniffed at. But it’s not easy, and it can take time to find the right person. And the process itself takes time - you won’t sort this st out in one session..!
I’ve used a leadership coach (different context, I admit) and found things very uncomfortable at times. But ultimately it has proven useful.
I’m with many of you - and the article linked above very nearly described me: mid 40s, solid family life, excellent career. And, in spite of my outward demeanour, inside I’m wondering where it’s all gone wrong. Objectively life is great, and yet there’s a gaping hole….
Same. It truly is a first world problem. Objectively I have absolutely nothing to complain about. But somehow…t out in one session..! I’ve used a leadership coach (different context, I admit) and found things very uncomfortable at times. But ultimately it has proven useful.
I’m with many of you - and the article linked above very nearly described me: mid 40s, solid family life, excellent career. And, in spite of my outward demeanour, inside I’m wondering where it’s all gone wrong. Objectively life is great, and yet there’s a gaping hole….
Edited by Megaflow on Monday 28th November 11:41
deebs said:
The hole you describe is pretty common and often filled with destructive behaviours like drinking too much/often, drugs, gambling, affairs etc. I think the answer is meaning - having activities that are connected to something that means something to you and working towards it. Unlikely (but not necessarily impossible) to find this at your actual work, as few people do, but most people think that is where they should look for it.
I used to get the meaning from work. But, what I spent 2015-2020 working on was proper once in a career opportunity, one that not everybody in this industry gets to do and I am not going to get a challenge like that again in the current role, that combined with we are at the bottom of a new product introduction cycle which means there isn’t a huge amount going on and this working from home/flexible working has removed all the social side of work.I am on the look out for a new job, within the same company, to find a new challenge.
My crisis centres around a change in working life.
I spent more than two decades working abroad, based mainly in Germany but also spells in Switzerland.and Sweden.
It also involved monthly visits to North America and India with occasional excursions to Australia, Brazil, Japan and others.
I never got tired of the travel, the hotels, the food and the different people I met.
Now I'm working from home the last three years and pining to be travelling.
In addition, my income is down by around 65% and I don't have the thousands of air-miles and hotel points to play with.
The end result is that my life is almost unrecognizable.
The furthest I've traveled was earlier this year when I had to make a day trip to London and the biggest challenge has been when I had to stop and recharge my EV on that trip.
I spent more than two decades working abroad, based mainly in Germany but also spells in Switzerland.and Sweden.
It also involved monthly visits to North America and India with occasional excursions to Australia, Brazil, Japan and others.
I never got tired of the travel, the hotels, the food and the different people I met.
Now I'm working from home the last three years and pining to be travelling.
In addition, my income is down by around 65% and I don't have the thousands of air-miles and hotel points to play with.
The end result is that my life is almost unrecognizable.
The furthest I've traveled was earlier this year when I had to make a day trip to London and the biggest challenge has been when I had to stop and recharge my EV on that trip.
Not quite at the midlife stage (although with a Scottish life expectancy probably not far off) but my fk I find life incredibly boring, same mundane BS every day (guess the "perks" of being in a relationship and being a parent).
Watched fight club and football factory recently after 8 cans and thought "can know see the appeal in that. Fair play"
k I find life incredibly boring, same mundane BS every day (guess the "perks" of being in a relationship and being a parent).Watched fight club and football factory recently after 8 cans and thought "can know see the appeal in that. Fair play"
PushedDover said:
OP / Megaflow, a week has passed since the original posting - what are your thoughts, and more importantly changes you have made on the back of the comments, suggestions and support?
Thank you for asking the question.After a lot of thought about it, trying to find the route cause, I have come to the conclusion the issue is work.
Why have I come to this conclusion? Last weekend was fairly quiet, closest friends were away for the weekend, so it was just me and my wife. I didn’t really do anything on Saturday apart from lunch with mum and Sunday I went to Collecting Cars by myself and it was good. Did a few other bits around the house without issue.
Got to Monday and the blues/hole was back.
I have concluded I need to feel like I am contributing and producing something of value, and because of the situation at work at the minute, that isn’t happening.
I have been looking for a new job since late summer, at the same company because I don’t have an issue with the company, I just to need to accept that is going to take sometime and suck it up until it happens.
Some of the reason with being bored during the weekday evenings at the minute is work is not that busy, so quiet evenings seem like a waste, but as soon as I get a new job and work picks up, I’ll more than likely be glad of the time to relax.
Humans really are crap with the grass is always greener aren’t we?
Se7enheaven said:
I’m mid 50’s and can relate to a lot of what has been mentioned already. Too much lingering in the past has been a common theme for me for several years now. I had some wonderful times in the past and you expect these huge highs to last forever , which of course they don’t.
It also feels to me like the world has changed considerably over the last 5 years or so and coming to terms with this is very difficult. Does every “older” generation see it this way , or have things just seemed to have gotten out of control way too fast ?
Life since the Millenium is nowhere near what it was like in the 70's, 80's/90's. Life was easier in those days. GenerationZ have truly screwed the world for all of us as they have got older and got into positions of power..... and we are to blame for having them and bringing them up. They have made so much intolerable, taken the risk out everything. Developed social media which is by far the worst thing ever developed and only possible because our generation created the pentium processor and internet for them to abuse.It also feels to me like the world has changed considerably over the last 5 years or so and coming to terms with this is very difficult. Does every “older” generation see it this way , or have things just seemed to have gotten out of control way too fast ?
Gender, equality, rights have all come to the fore and all go against human nature, we all struggle with it. Our whole lives are being made into one big miserable mess. We can't fart without someone being complaining about global warming.
If I hear one more GenZ person moan about how we're destroying their future and their world whilst ordering oil based plastic clothing from Shein, then i'd like to get that Artemis rocket, stick it up the arse and launch it into deep space!
Edited by super7 on Thursday 1st December 13:10
so called said:
My crisis centres around a change in working life.
I spent more than two decades working abroad, based mainly in Germany but also spells in Switzerland.and Sweden.
It also involved monthly visits to North America and India with occasional excursions to Australia, Brazil, Japan and others.
I never got tired of the travel, the hotels, the food and the different people I met.
Now I'm working from home the last three years and pining to be travelling.
In addition, my income is down by around 65% and I don't have the thousands of air-miles and hotel points to play with.
The end result is that my life is almost unrecognizable.
The furthest I've traveled was earlier this year when I had to make a day trip to London and the biggest challenge has been when I had to stop and recharge my EV on that trip.
That's certainly a substantial change in your life. I suspect there are a lot of people struggling with the change in lifestyle over the past few years. I know I am too. I spent more than two decades working abroad, based mainly in Germany but also spells in Switzerland.and Sweden.
It also involved monthly visits to North America and India with occasional excursions to Australia, Brazil, Japan and others.
I never got tired of the travel, the hotels, the food and the different people I met.
Now I'm working from home the last three years and pining to be travelling.
In addition, my income is down by around 65% and I don't have the thousands of air-miles and hotel points to play with.
The end result is that my life is almost unrecognizable.
The furthest I've traveled was earlier this year when I had to make a day trip to London and the biggest challenge has been when I had to stop and recharge my EV on that trip.
super7 said:
Se7enheaven said:
I’m mid 50’s and can relate to a lot of what has been mentioned already. Too much lingering in the past has been a common theme for me for several years now. I had some wonderful times in the past and you expect these huge highs to last forever , which of course they don’t.
It also feels to me like the world has changed considerably over the last 5 years or so and coming to terms with this is very difficult. Does every “older” generation see it this way , or have things just seemed to have gotten out of control way too fast ?
Life since the Millenium is nowhere near what it was like in the 70's, 80's/90's. Life was easier in those days. GenerationZ have truly screwed the world for all of us as they have got older and got into positions of power..... and we are to blame for having them and bringing them up. They have made so much intolerable, taken the risk out everything. Developed social media which is by far the worst thing ever developed and only possible because our generation created the pentium processor and internet for them to abuse.It also feels to me like the world has changed considerably over the last 5 years or so and coming to terms with this is very difficult. Does every “older” generation see it this way , or have things just seemed to have gotten out of control way too fast ?
Gender, equality, rights have all come to the fore and all go against human nature, we all struggle with it. Our whole lives are being made into one big miserable mess. We can't fart without someone being complaining about global warming.
If I hear one more GenZ person moan about how we're destroying their future and their world whilst ordering oil based plastic clothing from Shein, then i'd like to get that Artemis rocket, stick it up the arse and launch it into deep space!
Edited by super7 on Thursday 1st December 13:10
Another might be that the younger generations put their lives on hold for 2 years to stop a lot of old people dying a few years early.
That's deliberately provocative, but the point is I suspect blaming any one particular group of people is not really the answer?
NaePasaran said:
Not quite at the midlife stage (although with a Scottish life expectancy probably not far off) but my fk I find life incredibly boring, same mundane BS every day (guess the "perks" of being in a relationship and being a parent).
Watched fight club and football factory recently after 8 cans and thought "can know see the appeal in that. Fair play"
how do most people just continue doing this for however many years?k I find life incredibly boring, same mundane BS every day (guess the "perks" of being in a relationship and being a parent).Watched fight club and football factory recently after 8 cans and thought "can know see the appeal in that. Fair play"
maybe they are not bored of doing that is the answer
NaePasaran said:
Not quite at the midlife stage (although with a Scottish life expectancy probably not far off) but my fk I find life incredibly boring, same mundane BS every day (guess the "perks" of being in a relationship and being a parent).
Watched fight club and football factory recently after 8 cans and thought "can know see the appeal in that. Fair play"
You can choose to do interesting things. Many people just don't. k I find life incredibly boring, same mundane BS every day (guess the "perks" of being in a relationship and being a parent).Watched fight club and football factory recently after 8 cans and thought "can know see the appeal in that. Fair play"
It is not compulsory to be boring and to not do anything exciting or interesting.
Make some time for yourself that isn't just passive.
It sounds cheesy, but have "micro-adventures", which is a very wide scope. They don't need to cost anything and the best often don't.
At the most basic level, go out for a walk and explore you local area. Go to places you haven't been to before or in ways you havent approached them.
I certainly feel like I'm having one. Not the sports car/infidelity part, but the whole psychological breakdown / existential crisis part. It's fun getting out of bed, thinking "let's get this st over and done with" and not being sure if you mean leaving your comfy bed, the day at work, or the next 40-odd years until death.
t over and done with" and not being sure if you mean leaving your comfy bed, the day at work, or the next 40-odd years until death.Thank you OP for starting this thread and so many others for having contributed- I seem to be in good company.
If you look at my circumstances, I am really lucky. A loving family, nice house, good job.
In the past few years, we had a kid, I got made redundant from a job I hated (with a nice big payoff), then lucked into a really good senior job which I used to look up to as a goal for my career. Great, right? Now I’ve ‘reached the promised land’…I am miserable all the time!
It’s gotten so bad that I am currently having regular anxious sleepless nights and suicidal thoughts (which I’m confident I’d never act on). No amount of medication, exercise or talking about it seems to be helping. Partly I think it’s pressure of the new job but underlying it all is a complete lack of enjoyment or motivation- I never look forward to the working day.
I think the causes are:
1. I love my kid, but they eat up all the time we used to have for our relationship as a couple and for hobbies which gave us happiness. So this has suddenly highlighted just how little joy I get out of work and how much of you life is wasted doing that work.
2. I’m naturally very pessimistic and negative- it’s a characteristic of my family. This means I’m actually a very good manager - I can spot potential problems before they occur and mitigate their risk. But increasingly I *only* think negatively and catastrophise all the time.
Feeling encouraged by those who are saying there is a way forward. Thank you!
If you look at my circumstances, I am really lucky. A loving family, nice house, good job.
In the past few years, we had a kid, I got made redundant from a job I hated (with a nice big payoff), then lucked into a really good senior job which I used to look up to as a goal for my career. Great, right? Now I’ve ‘reached the promised land’…I am miserable all the time!
It’s gotten so bad that I am currently having regular anxious sleepless nights and suicidal thoughts (which I’m confident I’d never act on). No amount of medication, exercise or talking about it seems to be helping. Partly I think it’s pressure of the new job but underlying it all is a complete lack of enjoyment or motivation- I never look forward to the working day.
I think the causes are:
1. I love my kid, but they eat up all the time we used to have for our relationship as a couple and for hobbies which gave us happiness. So this has suddenly highlighted just how little joy I get out of work and how much of you life is wasted doing that work.
2. I’m naturally very pessimistic and negative- it’s a characteristic of my family. This means I’m actually a very good manager - I can spot potential problems before they occur and mitigate their risk. But increasingly I *only* think negatively and catastrophise all the time.
Feeling encouraged by those who are saying there is a way forward. Thank you!
m3cs said:
Thank you OP for starting this thread and so many others for having contributed- I seem to be in good company.
If you look at my circumstances, I am really lucky. A loving family, nice house, good job.
In the past few years, we had a kid, I got made redundant from a job I hated (with a nice big payoff), then lucked into a really good senior job which I used to look up to as a goal for my career. Great, right? Now I’ve ‘reached the promised land’…I am miserable all the time!
It’s gotten so bad that I am currently having regular anxious sleepless nights and suicidal thoughts (which I’m confident I’d never act on). No amount of medication, exercise or talking about it seems to be helping. Partly I think it’s pressure of the new job but underlying it all is a complete lack of enjoyment or motivation- I never look forward to the working day.
I think the causes are:
1. I love my kid, but they eat up all the time we used to have for our relationship as a couple and for hobbies which gave us happiness. So this has suddenly highlighted just how little joy I get out of work and how much of you life is wasted doing that work.
2. I’m naturally very pessimistic and negative- it’s a characteristic of my family. This means I’m actually a very good manager - I can spot potential problems before they occur and mitigate their risk. But increasingly I *only* think negatively and catastrophise all the time.
Feeling encouraged by those who are saying there is a way forward. Thank you!
There's a lack of balance. You describe the meaningless of existence because your life is (currently) split in two - work and look after children. There needs to be those other parts, m3cs as dad, worker, spouse, individual. People will often say they dont have time, or energy. Start small. Carve out half an hour, have a plan for that half hour, don't spend it wondering what to do. Incrementally make it more. If you look at my circumstances, I am really lucky. A loving family, nice house, good job.
In the past few years, we had a kid, I got made redundant from a job I hated (with a nice big payoff), then lucked into a really good senior job which I used to look up to as a goal for my career. Great, right? Now I’ve ‘reached the promised land’…I am miserable all the time!
It’s gotten so bad that I am currently having regular anxious sleepless nights and suicidal thoughts (which I’m confident I’d never act on). No amount of medication, exercise or talking about it seems to be helping. Partly I think it’s pressure of the new job but underlying it all is a complete lack of enjoyment or motivation- I never look forward to the working day.
I think the causes are:
1. I love my kid, but they eat up all the time we used to have for our relationship as a couple and for hobbies which gave us happiness. So this has suddenly highlighted just how little joy I get out of work and how much of you life is wasted doing that work.
2. I’m naturally very pessimistic and negative- it’s a characteristic of my family. This means I’m actually a very good manager - I can spot potential problems before they occur and mitigate their risk. But increasingly I *only* think negatively and catastrophise all the time.
Feeling encouraged by those who are saying there is a way forward. Thank you!
Maybe thatll be difficult. Maybe getting more time behind that will. But living the next 10 years in the state you describe will be far more difficult.
m3cs said:
Thank you OP for starting this thread and so many others for having contributed- I seem to be in good company.
If you look at my circumstances, I am really lucky. A loving family, nice house, good job.
In the past few years, we had a kid, I got made redundant from a job I hated (with a nice big payoff), then lucked into a really good senior job which I used to look up to as a goal for my career. Great, right? Now I’ve ‘reached the promised land’…I am miserable all the time!
It’s gotten so bad that I am currently having regular anxious sleepless nights and suicidal thoughts (which I’m confident I’d never act on). No amount of medication, exercise or talking about it seems to be helping. Partly I think it’s pressure of the new job but underlying it all is a complete lack of enjoyment or motivation- I never look forward to the working day.
I think the causes are:
1. I love my kid, but they eat up all the time we used to have for our relationship as a couple and for hobbies which gave us happiness. So this has suddenly highlighted just how little joy I get out of work and how much of you life is wasted doing that work.
2. I’m naturally very pessimistic and negative- it’s a characteristic of my family. This means I’m actually a very good manager - I can spot potential problems before they occur and mitigate their risk. But increasingly I *only* think negatively and catastrophise all the time.
Feeling encouraged by those who are saying there is a way forward. Thank you!
I know exactly what you mean.If you look at my circumstances, I am really lucky. A loving family, nice house, good job.
In the past few years, we had a kid, I got made redundant from a job I hated (with a nice big payoff), then lucked into a really good senior job which I used to look up to as a goal for my career. Great, right? Now I’ve ‘reached the promised land’…I am miserable all the time!
It’s gotten so bad that I am currently having regular anxious sleepless nights and suicidal thoughts (which I’m confident I’d never act on). No amount of medication, exercise or talking about it seems to be helping. Partly I think it’s pressure of the new job but underlying it all is a complete lack of enjoyment or motivation- I never look forward to the working day.
I think the causes are:
1. I love my kid, but they eat up all the time we used to have for our relationship as a couple and for hobbies which gave us happiness. So this has suddenly highlighted just how little joy I get out of work and how much of you life is wasted doing that work.
2. I’m naturally very pessimistic and negative- it’s a characteristic of my family. This means I’m actually a very good manager - I can spot potential problems before they occur and mitigate their risk. But increasingly I *only* think negatively and catastrophise all the time.
Feeling encouraged by those who are saying there is a way forward. Thank you!
One of the conundrums I have been having, part from the job which has been discussed, is that I don’t make friends very well, it’s an Aspergers thing sadly, as a result there are many thing most people would consider normal things, that I haven’t done. One of those being, I never used to do the weekend night on the town, and if I am honest with myself it is something I regret.
I have been hankering for a big night out, and we had our works Christmas do on Friday. Well let’s just say the pressure I have been putting on myself for a big night out means it ended up in a mess… or a least I think it… I don’t remember much after about 7pm, we started at 1pm with a meal, I got home at some point gone 2, I only know this because of the cab app emailed me a confirmation of the booking, I slept on the side so as not to wake my wife. My wife went to see a friend on Saturday, apparently we had a conversation we me still on the sofa before she left… don’t remember that. I eventually woke up at 3pm, that combined with today’s weather and I now fee like I have lost an entire weekend for the sake of one night out that I can’t really remember.
Moral of the story, I suspect, the grass is not always greener.
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