Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)
Discussion
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, But they only know to say one thing' What do they say?' the priest asked. They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?' That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, Then he thought for a moment.....
You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, And your parrots are sure to stop saying... That phrase... In no time.'
Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'
The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house.... As he ushered her in, She saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.. Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them...
After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison: Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence... One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says, 'Put the beads away, Frank, Our prayers have been answered!
You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, And your parrots are sure to stop saying... That phrase... In no time.'
Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'
The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house.... As he ushered her in, She saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.. Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them...
After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison: Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence... One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says, 'Put the beads away, Frank, Our prayers have been answered!
CourtAgain said:
Boris Johnson takes members of his cabinet out for dinner.
The waiter comes along and asks what he will be eating tonight.
“I'll have the steak," Boris says.
The waiter then asks, 'What about the vegetables?'
Boris replies, “Oh, they'll have the same as me.”
On the subject of Boris and all the drinkies etc during the pandemic, I had to chuckle when a quiz show yesterday revealed that No 10 is built on the site of an old brewery.The waiter comes along and asks what he will be eating tonight.
“I'll have the steak," Boris says.
The waiter then asks, 'What about the vegetables?'
Boris replies, “Oh, they'll have the same as me.”
Once upon a time there was a kingdom far away that was ruled by a King. He had always wanted a house made from grass and instructed his minions to build one for him.
Soon it was there, his wonderful house of grass, but, he had nothing to put in it. Then he remembered that he had a collection of thrones from all over the world and thought they would look good in his new house.
There they were, a wonderful collection of thrones that were the envy of all his subjects displayed under one roof.
Then there was a disaster when the house caught fire and it was destroyed along with his wonderful collection of thrones.
If you are still reading then you will see that the moral of this little tale is .................................
People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
Soon it was there, his wonderful house of grass, but, he had nothing to put in it. Then he remembered that he had a collection of thrones from all over the world and thought they would look good in his new house.
There they were, a wonderful collection of thrones that were the envy of all his subjects displayed under one roof.
Then there was a disaster when the house caught fire and it was destroyed along with his wonderful collection of thrones.
If you are still reading then you will see that the moral of this little tale is .................................
People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
A horse and a donkey meet in a pub and get on like a house on fire.
The horse tells the donkey he races on the flat in the summer and steeplechases in the winter, the donkey tells the horse he gives kids rides on Blackpool beach in the summer, and has the winter off.
It gets to closing time and the horse invites everyone back to his place for a party. They go back to the horses gaff, and all around the walls, the trophy cabinets full and there are pictures of the horse winning the Grand National, Derby, the Guineas, the Oaks and so on.
It was a great party, but feeling a little inferior the Donkey invites everyone round to his place the following weekend.
The donkey thinks "I need to impress this horse - he's done everything" so he buys a big picture of a zebra and hangs it above the fireplace.
The horse arrives and says "Lovely place you have here and who's that in the picture on the wall?"
Donkey replies "That’s me when I played for Juventus"
The horse tells the donkey he races on the flat in the summer and steeplechases in the winter, the donkey tells the horse he gives kids rides on Blackpool beach in the summer, and has the winter off.
It gets to closing time and the horse invites everyone back to his place for a party. They go back to the horses gaff, and all around the walls, the trophy cabinets full and there are pictures of the horse winning the Grand National, Derby, the Guineas, the Oaks and so on.
It was a great party, but feeling a little inferior the Donkey invites everyone round to his place the following weekend.
The donkey thinks "I need to impress this horse - he's done everything" so he buys a big picture of a zebra and hangs it above the fireplace.
The horse arrives and says "Lovely place you have here and who's that in the picture on the wall?"
Donkey replies "That’s me when I played for Juventus"
Bloke's walking along minding his own business when a funny-looking chap jumps out from behind a bush and says 'Remember Sean Connery!' before disappearing down the street.
Later that day the bloke looks out of his front window and sees the same funny-looking chap, who shouts out at him 'Remember Sean Connery!!' then scarpers around the corner.
'Right' our hero thinks, 'I've just about had enough of this' and storms off down the police station where he tells the desk sergeant that he's being stalked by a funny-looking chap.
Copper goes 'Can you give me a description?' and the bloke replies 'Well, he reminds me of Sean Connery'.
Later that day the bloke looks out of his front window and sees the same funny-looking chap, who shouts out at him 'Remember Sean Connery!!' then scarpers around the corner.
'Right' our hero thinks, 'I've just about had enough of this' and storms off down the police station where he tells the desk sergeant that he's being stalked by a funny-looking chap.
Copper goes 'Can you give me a description?' and the bloke replies 'Well, he reminds me of Sean Connery'.
I walked in the door the other night and the wife said to me
" What's the matter with you?"
" Oh" I said " I'm so busy at work, i don't know if i'm coming or going"
She thought for a second or two, then replied
" Judging by the expression on your face you're going because when you're coming, you look like a stroke victim trying to whistle"
" What's the matter with you?"
" Oh" I said " I'm so busy at work, i don't know if i'm coming or going"
She thought for a second or two, then replied
" Judging by the expression on your face you're going because when you're coming, you look like a stroke victim trying to whistle"
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