Mid life crisis. Has anybody had one?

Sounds perfect to me. After our daughter was born my wife never went back to work and stayed home. I was always the main breadwinner with a solid career so it suited me perfectly. The fact my wife had no ‘ambition’ other than raise our child well and keep a good house defined her. It was ok with me. Career wise I was quite motivated but decided to settle in at lower senior management rather than keep going having risen quite quickly. I was not ‘driven’ to get to the top as I learned no matter where you think the top position is there’s always someone above you to pull your strings and with the potential to be a complete bell-end. Any suggestion of being an ‘under achiever’ was never something I thought or was bothered about. Like most I suffered with the stresses of work, managing staff, dealing with issues and I think being conscientious caused a fair amount of anxiety and worse case scenario thought. It did affect my health but didn’t see any alternative. That said I retired in my early 50s with a very good pension, some decent investment planning and have no drive or ambition to do anything other than what the day brings, planning a few short break holidays throughout the year and settling down to Netflix. In other words I’ll do what I want when I want.

Contrast this with a very good friend who retired like me his drive and ambition is winning everything, seeking opportunities to make money and creating a 6-figure ‘pension’ income but without any ‘goals’ other than making more money. It keeps him busy and I presume contented.

Sometimes I might think is this all there is, but then I look back on what I’ve achieved, the things I’ve done, the places I’ve been, the fact we’re financially secure and it’s not all that bad. I’m contented doing very little these days.

I wonder how much of it it just flat out because of kids, and young ones at that. I think most blokes I know would say they were nonplused about having kids and then the subsequent lifestyle change you take from there can be quite dramatic!

My view is that as we get older, our need to engage with the world lessens because it becomes less important in our day-to-day lives. By the time we reach mid-50s, our career trajectory is pretty much set, for some, retirement looms. So there's little need for an enquiring mind and we find ourselves sort of tuning-out to the point where all we have left is a view of the world that we had 20 or 30 years earlier.

A possible solution (if you're looking for one) is to embrace liberalism - not necessarily on a political level although that is certainly an option. Liberalism requires examination of the argument, not just the outcome of the argument, the outcome being the thing we're shown and upon which our opinions form.

When you examine the arguments, you may still reach the same opinion but you feel stronger in being able to argue you point. Or, more often, you end up thrusting forward you bottom lip, raise you eyebrows and nod your head thinking ... "that's a good point actually".

It's often said that a mark of getting older is that your narrow waist and broad mind swap places but keeping the mind broad can be highly liberating. Takes a bit of effort and self-reflection but is, I think, worth it.

Currently my world in two sentences. I'm in for tests ( in hospital on Monday next week ) for the third experiment via CT scan to see if there's something actually physically wrong with me as the sleeplessness, nausea and anxiety is all consuming at the moment. Endoscopy after that if the CT is inconclusive. Possibly a stomach ulcer. I don't think I'm physically ill, but if I am, at least finding something might explain things. I've already had my 2nd ( negative ) bowel cancer scare this year, and had to spend time in hospital revisiting a blocked carotid artery issue caused by a bike accident years ago, again, good outcome.

Compared to many, I've got absolutely no reason to be feeling like this, but it's been getting worse for a year now, and if it weren't for the effect it would have on others, I'd be looking at the suicide route much more closely. Really have had enough now. There's something else going on in my life that is something I regard as very personal. I talked to my best mate about it recently, it made me feel worse if anything, and I wish I'd not done it. Not his fault, he was supportive, I just didn't enjoy the experience of speaking about it, and if anything it added to the lack of self respect I currently experience.

If you had said a year ago this is how I'd feel now I'd have laughed at you.

Nice one, MF! Excitement and nervousness are the same chemicals etc. etc. Just a matter of framing!

Hopefully. It is all a bit overwhelming at the minute coming the the end of the second week, I have gone from a job where I got promoted through the ranks and did for 15 years to become what every one else referred to me as subject matter expert, to a complete newbie asking the questions not answering them!

Good advice re the health thing, all to easy to pass things off as nothing. Hopefully they clear up soon.

agree. i'm 42 with no kids and doubt they'll ever happen [which i'm fine with]. i received a message this morning on our whatsapp group chat that one of my uni mates just had his second child. there's only 2 of us on that chat without kids and our lifestyles vis those who do are markedly different.

i don't think its possible to have the classic midlife crisis if you don't have kids. you've been able to do whatever you want when you want and make stupid purchases / big life decisions with little consequence.

the existential type crisis is normal and, with perspective, a good way of questioning whether life is going as you envisaged and prompting change as a result.

congrats on the new role btw!

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